Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
