just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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