there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
whose parrot is this?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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