There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
