I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
3 2 1 whiskey
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Randomize
