you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
