I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
