wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
