U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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