i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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