omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
