I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
