I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
