if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Your dad touched me again.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
