I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
