u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
