don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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