i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize