I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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