Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize