Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My boob is missing a layer of skin
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
