i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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