I just saw a hot homeless man
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize
