i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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