apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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