I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
