Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
