I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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