two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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