He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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