you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
