Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize