He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm just crazy horny about you
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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