if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
