She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My dad is sitting where you rode me
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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