I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
