I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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