Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
