dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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