i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I pour the whiskey from now on
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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