she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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