I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
