threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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