almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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