omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
