so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
