I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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