First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just had sex on a roof
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
