In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
