sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
