You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
