For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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