I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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