I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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