He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize