She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
