Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
