Sacagawea was the original milf.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
