I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
